Putting on the parent style
Putting on the parent style
The way you parent can have a huge impact on your relationship with your partner. Different attitudes to issues such as discipline can be a source of conflict, but you do need to present a united front
writes Caroline Deacon
For most couples, the biggest source of conflict is about how to raise children. In her marriage guidance work, couples’ counsellor and creator of the website www.thesuccesfulparent.com, Barbara Frazier finds that approaches to parenting comes up more than
any other single issue. ‘It is very complex, involving each partner’s values, their own upbringing, and issues with their parents’ parenting styles,’ she explains.
Rights and wrongs of parenting
Is there a right and a wrong way to parent? Psychologists have identified four basic approaches to parenting, which depend on whether you ask a lot of your children or are fairly laid back, as well as whether you are willing to respond to them or unwilling to negotiate. Parents are responsive and demanding making them authoritative; or responsive yet undemanding resulting in a permissive style. The other two approaches are uninvolved (resulting from undemanding and unresponsive) or authoritarian
(demanding and responsive).
Research suggests that authoritative parenting, where you set boundaries but are willing to explain and negotiate, works best. The least helpful parenting is the uninvolved style, where parents just don’t engage. Most parents can recognise that an authoritative style is ideal, but they may be drawn to another style depending on their own upbringing.
United front
How we raise our children is influenced by how we were raised ourselves, and this is such a fundamental part of who we are that we don’t tend to examine it or question it until we become parents and encounter ideas which conflict with our own. Because your ideas about how to parent were formed when you were a child yourself, you need to recall and examine them. Some you will want to hold on to, and you may want to let go of others.
You and your partner will need to compromise: both of you should be honest about which issues you feel really strongly about and which you give way on. Make time to discuss these together, and make sure you both listen to both points of view!
Discover your preferred style
Take time with your partner to discuss your own answers to the following questions. This sharing of background is the first step in identifying your own values and building a joint approach. When you have your discussion, try to find areas you agree on and also notice areas of disagreement, and see if you can reach a compromise. It can help if you consider what you think is best for
your children.
Uninvolved
Authoritative
Family life
Healthy negotiation in practice
Your child wants a sleepover, and she asks your partner, as she knows he is inclined to be more ‘permissive’. His inclination is to say: ‘Yes of course.’
But he knows that you are more naturally ‘authoritarian’ and might say no, and realises it will undermine you if he agrees. So he says: ‘Let me talk to your mum first.’
You and your partner then discuss your misgivings about the sleepover, and come up with a list of requirements which will help to remove your anxieties: for example talking to the friend’s parents about where your child will sleep and discussing who is in the house, agreeing boundaries around snacks and bedtimes and so on. Some of this discussion can also include your child.
The end result is that your child has her sleepover, which would not have happened if you had been solely in charge. But it is a safer arrangement than it would have been if Dad had made the decision on his own.
• How did your parents teach you to behave? What were
the consequences of misbehaving and who administered
Punishments?
• How did your parents encourage you? How did they
show love? Was one parent more affectionate than the
Other?
• Which things did your parents do that you would like to
Repeat?
• What did your parents do that you never want to do
yourself?
Not in front of the children
Parents are generally anxious to present a united front, so they prefer not to contradict each other or argue in front of the children. The good news is that in a research study, Dr Mark Cummings at the University of Notre Dame found that while almost a third of children behave in an aggressive way after watching parents argue, this aggressive response all but disappears if the children see the argument resolved.
He also found that being exposed to constructive marital conflict is actually good for children, making them feel more secure and more sociable. So it is fine to disagree on occasions, particularly if the disagreement leads to a resolution and everyone makes up at the end!
Sources of conflict
My partner thinks it is fine for the kids to have a packet of sweets when they come out of school, but I don’t like it.
What, when and how you feed your children can be a huge source of conflict. You and your partner need to talk about the role that food played in your lives when you were growing up. Was it given as a reward for good behaviour? Were you forced to eat everything on your plate? Try not to make food an emotional issue for your kids, and current thinking suggests that it is not a good idea to create associations between rewards and food.
On the other hand, while eating well is important, the occasional treat is fine. It’s probably not a good idea to make sweets a regular part of your daily diet, but the occasional packet won’t do any harm.
My partner wants to get the children coaching so they will get into the best university. I think it is more important that they are happy now.
Sit down with your partner and talk about where your ideas of success and failure come from. What values did your own parents stress? How were you rewarded for success? Researcher Carol Dweck at Columbia University found children are motivated by praise for effort rather than for achievement. Understanding this might help you and your partner find a balance.
I like to limit the amount of TV my kids watch, but my partner will happily sit and watch TV with them for hours. It feels like he is undermining me.
It’s ok to have different rules for the kids when you are solely responsible, as long as you support each other. So Dad can let them have TV time when he is in charge, but he should back you up in your limiting of TV when you are in charge.
Problems occur when one partner becomes known as the ‘strict’ parent and the other the ‘indulgent’ one, as this will create resentment. If you feel this is happening, sit down and agree which issues you will both be firm about, and where you will agree to differ.
Authoritarian
A consistent approach
Although children need boundaries and to learn to live within your rules, they will also have to learn that different people have different expectations. Children are actually very good at working out which rules apply where. So it doesn’t matter if you disagree on occasions: what matters is that you agree on your fundamental
values, that you respect each other’s styles, and that you
deal with any differences in a constructive way.
Children are excellent barometers of parental conflict, only too willing to exploit differences to their own advantage. You need to have a united front, not only for their sake, but for your own.
Irreconcilable issues
If you find you are arguing about parenting issues quite a lot, it is really important to take time out and work this through. Ask yourself whether one of your children is pushing a wedge between you – this is very common. A good idea is to talk things through with a neutral third party, such as another parent or friend whose views you both respect.
Counsellors are also helpful – you don’t need to be on the verge of divorce to go and talk parenting issues through: in fact the earlier you bring issues to counselling, the better.
More info
Visit www.thesuccessfulparent.com and www.relateforparents.org.uk
January/February 2012
All information is correct at time of publishing