Tantrums

Tantrums - The Quickest Fix

 

Be warned. It’s Christmas and you are now in a Tantrum Danger Zone! Educational psychologist Denise Thornton looks at ways to get out of it!

 

More than 8 in 10 under fives have occasional tantrums but Christmas tends to increase the frequency and severity! Pre-school children have limited language skills so they express frustration and anger through their behaviour. This could be anything from lying on the floor screaming, to kicking and even breath holding.

 

They are most common in two-to-three year olds, when children know what they want but don’t understand why they can’t have it. At this stage tantrums are a perfectly normal part of development. Christmas is a peak time for them, because of the tantalising exposure to attractive toys on TV ads, enticing shop displays and a relaxation of routine. But it isn’t the whole story.

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Bad parenting causes tantrums

 

As 80 per cent of children aged two to four have tantrums this simply cannot be true.

 

Tantrums triggers

 

Young children want parental attention and don’t understand why they can’t always have it. Tantrums grab attention, so watch for patterns. Do they happen in the same place, same time, with the same person or about the same things? If so, you need to change the pattern.

 

Children soon realise that tantrums are more effective in public places. Parents get embarrassed and give in – so beware. Tantrum triggers vary, but tired and hungry children are more prone to them. Another potent trigger is the desire for independence: children crave it but get frustrated when they can’t manage on their own, for instance when they’re getting dressed. Children also

have tantrums to avoid things they don’t want to do, like having to go to bed.

 

Arguments, illness, the arrival of a younger sibling, people coming to stay or general over-stimulation are all trigger points. That is why Christmas is a Tantrum Danger Zone for parents.

 

Children with limited language skills have no other way to express their feelings, so those with special needs are more prone to tantrums. If they last more than 10-15 minutes or occur several times each day, you should seek professional help from your GP or child and family services. Boys and girls are equally affected by tantrums but the way a parent deals with the situation has a

marked effect on the outcome.

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Children throw tantrums on purpose

 

Young children don’t have this degree of control over their behaviour. Tantrums are an explosion of anger which they can’t control.

 

Seasonal flashpoints

 

Routines get disrupted over Christmas so inevitably tantrums happen more often. Children get overwhelmed while tired parents struggle to be calm and consistent. Giving in to tantrums

significantly increases the risk of repeat behaviour so DO NOT GIVE IN. Parents who struggle to be consistent and sometimes do give in are likely to find themselves struggling with more disruptive behaviour for the future.

 

Research shows a link between parents who shout, criticise, spank or struggle to control their own tempers and the severity of their children’s tantrums. Sadly we all tend to be more irritable, tired and stressed during the build-up to Christmas, leading to a vicious circle. Staying calm improves your chance of avoiding tantrums.

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Your child picks the most embarrassing moment to tantrum

 

Young children don’t understand what is embarrassing for you, but they quickly learn when you are most likely to give

in to them.

 

Breath holding attacks

 

These attacks happen in one in 20 children, often as part of a tantrum. Your child may cry, exhale then hold her breath, go red in the face, or very pale. If she goes blue around the mouth it is known as a cyanotic breath holding attack. Children may even learn to hold their breath until they lose consciousness so these

attacks are hard for parents to ignore.

 

Your child will start to breath normally again and though it can be terrifying there is no evidence that the attack is harmful. Children

may seem quiet and subdued afterwards, but unless they happen often there is no need to worry. Your GP can check if there is any other possible cause such as epilepsy.

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Children throw tantrums because you are too soft

 

Children reserve tantrums for the people they feel most secure with, so if your child throws tantrums with you, but not with the childminder, it is because he feels secure with you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Quick fixes

 

Before the tantrum builds:

 

•Have clear routines for tantrum triggers such as bedtimes.

 

•Plan relaxed play together each day for 15-20 minutes.

 

•Look for patterns, then change the routine.

 

As the tantrum builds:

 

•Stay calm and use humour or distraction.

 

•Decide if you really need to say No: pick your battles.

 

•Give your child some choice rather than a direct order, such as ‘Which hat do you want to wear?’ Wearing a hat is nonnegotiable but your child has some control over which one.

 

•Remove the trigger that set things off , such as a present your

child wants to open.

 

When the tantrum is in full flood:

 

•Do not give in to whatever pressure your child puts you under.

 

•Continue to avoid saying No if you can – give choices instead.

 

•Act disinterested and move away from your child. Tantrums

are attention grabbers but without attention they often stop.

 

•Take your child somewhere quiet, or with older children walk

away to avoid an audience.

 

•Use time-out (between two and five minutes depending on

the age of your child) so you can both calm down.

 

•Be brief – don’t get into negotiations

 

•Avoid threatening or punishing behaviour as it usually

increases the frequency of tantrums.

 

Longer term fixes

 

•Work out what is triggering the tantrums and teach your child

how to ask for what she wants without making a fuss. Reward

her efforts when she gets it right. Use role play to practice.

 

•Try to build some one-to-one playtime with your child into

each day even if it is only for five minutes.

 

•Don’t expect too much of your child on long shopping trips or

lengthy seasonal lunches with lots of grown-ups. Avoid these

situations and make sure they don’t get too hungry or tired.

 

•Children love praise and attention so make sure you notice when they avoid tantrums and don’t just forget about them if they are behaving themselves! Pay attention when she is behaving well to reinforce good behaviour. Each shopping trip without a tantrum should be rewarded with praise and a hug.

 

 

 

ANGER MANAGEMENT

 

Tantrums are an extreme form of anger. Teach your child that there are lots of stages between feeling calm and having a tantrum. Show her the range of angry feelings and help her to learn the names. Once she can tell you how she feels she will no longer need the tantrums. Draw a chart and get your child to make the face to go with each word. Take a photo to put under the correct description, such as a cross face. To keep it balanced,you should also make a chart of happy faces.

 

 

 

 

Whining

 

 

 

 

 

Annoyed

 

 

 

 

 

 

Angry

 

 

 

 

 

 

Furious

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tantrum

 

 

 

 

If you struggle to manage your own anger, you need to get help for yourself before you can help your child. Angry parents often make mistakes in the way they react to their children, such as over-reacting or making threats they can’t keep.

 

 

 

November/December 2011

All information is correct at time of publishing

Behaviour